It's hard to know what God is going to do and when he is going to do it.  It has been a wild journey for me these last two years.  Everyday is a different experience dealing with the fibro.  It seems like since December of 2005 when i left Lane Bryant things started to go downhill.  It took one good year for me to hit my first of what I am sure will be many lows, but Feburary of this year I was forced to think about how long could work.  Medical leave was a trip for me.  Heck, I rarely even took one week vacations let a lone think about not working for a whole month. 

I had wanted to be at Target for the learning expeience but I missed the connection with people that I had at Lane Bryant.  I missed my customers who knew me by name and knew I would take care of them and respect them.  No matter how hard I had worked i wasn't going to get my own store because satan wanted me defeated.  Sliding into Target was so easy, so meant to be, but when things didn't pan out there, I was left feeling just short of disfunctional. Now, here I am filling out disability papers.  Some days I cry, alot.  Sometimes I just want to lay in bed and not deal. But i can't do that.  I have chosen to live my life to it's fullest no matter what the fullest may be.  I have spent the last month unemployed as one promise after another feel thru my fingertips like sand.  Prayers fly up to the sky like birds and some days I don't know how I manage to smile. 

     I remember Gods promises though.  He promised never to leave me.  His word says to seek first His kingdom and he would add everything else.  Whether I am in a lot or a little pain, lashing out at people or not, all I have are his promises.  I have spent the last 30 days trying to find sit down jobs, like I was giving up.  No......i take that back.  Not giving up. Lifting up.  I was lifting up my trust to only God.  Knowing he would provide.  Days turned into nights, and nights into weeks, and tho it got hard I couldn't give up on Gods word.  It was and is the only certainty I have in life.  Just when I thought I was going to have to make a nother drastic life change, God has stepped in and now I have a chance to go back to Lane Bryant, where my heart is, as the store manager.

   This isn't a story about jobs tho it reads like one.  I know there is more to my life than work. This is a story of trust, survival and most importantly faith.  We may not know what is around the corner. But for those of us who trust God, we know that he is in control and he knows what we need before we even ask it.  He can see the big picture.  We, through our faith, are constantly being conditioned for Gods next big thing.  Sometimes to condition us, he has to take us down into the lowest valleys, the deepest seas, all to see how much we trust him, how far are we really willing to go. He wants us to trust him to be there with us, so we can be closer to him. 

     Oh the Love of God that never lets me fall.  Thru my suffering, my pain and my dissapointments, my joy's, my sorrows and my dreams comming true, i see u. A God who understands me and loves me inspite of my faults and my sins.  A God who looks deep into my heart and comforts me.