Okay so here I am again seemingly with another issue 23. So, you all know that I quit my job at Lane Bryant back in may and now I am working at Cato. I have grown to love it alot and also the women who work there. But, I don't make what I did. I went from about 1000 dollars a check to alomst 400. Yeah not alot. So the last couple of weeks (it's two weeks until my birthday on the 21 of July) I have been having crying fits at work and I've been really depressed. I have made the tough decision to move back home with my parents whitch is good in a way because I can save up to get a nother car ( blown head gasket!!) and I can help mom deal with dad since he's getting older and his health is kinda fading. I miss my place and my car, which I am allowing them to repo (further ruining my credit) and I unwilliningly filled for disability to pacify my worried mom.
With all of this circling my head, I have avoided the phone, which has driven my friends to panic attacks and I am not the happiest right now. My dad has to drive me around when I don't take his car and mom cooks for me like all the time. You could say I went from worrying how I was going to pay my rent and everything else to having very few bills, a cook and a driver! So why in the heck do I refuse to be happy about this!!! I am finding my self in tears when I go to the apartment to pack and take things to storage. I feel so lost and hopeless when I look at the calendar and see August 19th fast approaching, the day I have to be moved out completly. I am so attached to the freedom I had and the memories I made at 518 that I miss the true beauty of the blessings that are staring me in my face.
I have the greatest parents in the world who care so much about me, loving friends who pary for my happiness, new friends at a job I love even though I don't make enough...I do still have a job, and most importantly I am feeling a little better physically. I am able to come home. Most kids can't say that. I have fretted over the fact that I am 29 now and moving back in with my parents and giving up my so called freedom. Why? Well i think I think I know the answer to that. Someone keeps telling me that I have lost my fabulousness. Someone keeps telling me that I am hopeless. Someone keeps telling me that I am a loser and that I lost it all. SATAN YOU ARE A LIAR!!!!
I am not giving up anything that didn't belong in my life anymore! I am not perfect. I admit things had gotten out of hand for while. I had picked up a nasty little habbit called smoking. And to beat it all it was those little cigars. And I was being more social whitch meant of course that I was drinking more. Now I don't have the freedom to do those things. The negative behaviour has to stop before something positive can happen. I didn't lose the apartment. I didn't lose my car. Through Gods intervention, he caused my spirit to realize I had to give them up! In order to go to the next level I had to give up the other gods I was holding on too that kept holding me back.
This experience has been humbling. I am forced again to think about others over myself, yet giving myselft what I need the most. Time in the place that cultivated my spirit and my love for Christ, who is the one who can give me what I REALLY need the most. A SECOND CHANCE. A chance to start over and do things right instead of wrong. A chance to get closer to him and my family, a chance to get the mental, physical and most importantly, the spiritual healing that I need to continue on my new journey. A chance to be humble. The Bible says "What profits it a man to gain the whole world and lose his soul?" Nah, I didn't lose anything. I am taking it back!